KINDLY KEEP OFF THIS POST. ITS WAY OFF THE TRACK AND MY ORDINARY GENRE. I AM JUST RELEASING MYSELF, BECAUSE, WELL......THIS IS MY BLOG!!
What's more liberating than venting out your feelings right? Maybe....some go and wet a friend's t-shirt crying their hearts out, some punch walls or soft-toys. As for me, my luck that my friends are sleeping (its 2.30 a.m!), I live in a Govt. quarter so I cant damage the walls and my soft-toys are expensive beloved gifts. There's nothing good being aired on tv, I have watched all the movies in my lappy and obviously, I cant get out of the house at this hour and have a speedy ride through the city. Nor can I get ice-cream now. And I finished off all ice-cubes with my juice a few hours back. And a shower now would be deadly!! Since my best options are gone, I fall back on this stupid target for "liberating" my frustration: blogging
Anyways, the weekend was superb. Saturday had a college fest and I anchored with 3 other wonderful people for the cultural part. It was important, I had been waiting for this since a year....because I wanted to set something right.....a kind of promise I had made to myself. So you think I am crazy that I take such a banal job so passionately. Yeah, hell I do.....everything is kind of pretty intense with me (No use of a half-hearted attempt at anything, right?)
Anyways, the same day, India won the world cup, after 28 years....I reached home just in time for the last 10 overs and it was awesome!! Dhoni conquered the cup with a clean swept sixer at the end. Papa jumped up with screams and tears and I was shocked at first, then kind of gave the same reaction when it sunk in. A friend gave the perfect FB post to sum it up: "anhonee ko honi kar de, honi ko anhonee, ek jagah jab jama ho teeno, Rajni Ghajni aur Dhoni..." LOL...what a sense of humor!! (rajnikanth, amir khan were there in the stadium)
And sunday ushered in just like that
I was under a rule: fest for 1 day. I wont elucidate on that. Sunday was the main event and since the fest-baboos made some rule that people who anchored on sunday would have to do on saturday, I chose saturday. And so, I didn't turn up on sunday. And sunday supposedly I had to anchor again (inspite of my repeated reminders I couldn't do it). Hey don't blame me, there wasnt any problem in my no-show and the fest went on super-smoothly. Of course, with me sulking at home!
And today, I saw....a kind of indirect (but pretty direct) public humiliation in a public forum of 550 people (juniors, batchmates n alumni) by someone I thought was a good friend. He had let my name slip from the list of anchor acknowledgments. Was it intentional? Was it or am I just being immature? Or was it unintentional?? Bah!! He is my classmate and he was there on saturday!!!
I dont know. And I dont want to know. The harm has been done. Even if the fault is rectified, all will assume something's amiss....that there's some issue or I put up a a very forgettable (or unforgettably bad, whichever you prefer) appearance. Maybe I am over-reacting. Or maybe under-reacting. But what would you do in this situation? You would have felt all crapped up anyway, right? Maybe you would have pushed it aside and convinced yourself that your name just slipped by your classmate. But I am not you. I did tell you, things are always pretty intense with me.
How do i feel now? I dont care anymore. Life's a little tough now....nothing is going my way and there's too much to handle. Its one of those periods in your life when you are in a high-stress situation, emotionally wrung..and you just feel you are finally cracking. And this was just the topping on the cake! I don't even care I am showing my stupid vulnerable face to you
Wow, that was the first post I think which displays I get affected by negative emotions too, right? I never ever wanted to write stuff like this but hello, I am normal and I just cant go about with a smile pasted on my face 24/7/365 (nothing personal, leaps!). I get into those moods too when I want to throw back my head and scream, scream, scream......
I have had enough!!
There goes all my appeal as a balanced mature creature. But it also disproved a particular someone who used to say I am a cold-hearted devil! I am not cold-hearted.....I simply hate to feel/register/acknowledge any negative emotion (that includes anger/resentment/sorrow/depression...any emotion that's not happiness).... I feel awkward whenever I face these emotions.....I prefer to clam up and fall quiet. Not that I don't understand. I do!! I am a good cry tshirt ;)
And I did ask you not to read this post, right? Well you did, so here's my worst coldest adios to you!